*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.