I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”