God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
subtitles are so good nowadays
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.