What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
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“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did