*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.