*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.