It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.