It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
a god among men
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one