Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Home #decor warning.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond