Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets