[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
how it started vs how it ended
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying