Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Oh yeah that’s it
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in