i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.