My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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Human are so complicated
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
wtf is an acronym
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Finally
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: