taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
rise and shine we got egg
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My whole life was a lie.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*