@dimplesticks

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

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@murrman5

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

@Skoog

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

@noog

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

@INCERTAESEDlS

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

@Staggfilms

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

@DadandBuried

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.