My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
plums roundup
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).