RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”