Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
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Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.