hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
You Might Also Like
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.