My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly