I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Mornin
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no