*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
the simulation is moving too fast
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn