There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Room with a view.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.