I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Beware of the dog..
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)