16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me :
All Day At Night
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
lol
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.