Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.