me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
You Might Also Like
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to