HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or