Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
the three branches of government
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.