I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents