How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
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How did we not see this back then?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’m giving up for Lent.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo