Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[loses house key, starts a new life]