16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Beware of the dog..
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
LOL
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.