HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area