Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.