My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
this chia pet tastes awful
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days