[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
fixed it
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”