I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Try and stop me.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I am patiently waiting for your email
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
It’s an epidemic…
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.