Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.