Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Realize this:
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo