I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
He’s dead
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*