My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I hope this email finds you in a well
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.