Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.