Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.