Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
put ‘er there pardner!
lmao
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
ouch
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
hi why am I like this