My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
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Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Well, this certainly took a turn
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I bet