[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
“How’s your day going?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house