When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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The glory of fall.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review