The glory of fall.
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Oh crap, this isn鈥檛 what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..馃槒馃槈
I鈥檓 not saying that I haven鈥檛 slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that鈥檚 about it
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I鈥檓 not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.馃き
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it鈥檇 be a novel. Settle down.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
can鈥檛 wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
this FaceApp is creepy af
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.