Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The opposite of Iceland is water water
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Sharon, call the vet
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.